


666 Action News!

by EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid



Series: Hell's Yarns [10]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Watchmen (2009)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dark Comedy, Gen, Journalism, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid/pseuds/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid
Summary: As rioting takes place on Vox's turf, Tom Trench is tasked with on-the-field reporting.However, a peculiar man decides to take matters into his own hands as the cameras roll.
Series: Hell's Yarns [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058714
Kudos: 3





	666 Action News!

"Just shut the fuck up and do your damn _job_ , dickless!"  
The usual shouting of his _esteemed_ co-host coerced Tom Trench to book it out of the news room - he was supposed to report on the field today, which isn't normally a problem, but there was currently some riots occurring in the area surrounding the 666 News Studio. Reporting under enemy fire wasn't new to Tom, it was practically his bread and butter back in the Great War, but overhearing that these unhappy hellions had access to Molotov cocktails made him fearful.  
He really doesn't enjoy being on fire.

As he sheepishly hurried down the corridors of the building, he could hear bits of chatter from employees around him.  
"... yeah they got a new single out, it's called 'Police Can't Fuck Wit Da Juggernaut', spelled w-i-t and d-a," one voice said.  
"I know, I was trying to listen to it and beat my dick at the same time, it's pretty tough to do-"  
Tom had already heard enough by that point, so his walking speed increased - soon joined by the station's on-the-field cameraman, a smirking turtle demon with small straw huts-like protrusions coming from the cracks in his shell.  
"Tom! Did you hear? The riots, people speculate it has to do with that Silverhand guy coming back to prominence a few weeks ago!" The turtle, who wore a torn green t-shirt and pale brown khakis, looked towards his slightly taller co-worker - the latter's eyebrows raising as he turned to look at the other demon.

"Silverhand? How did he get out?"  
"Who knows? Probably some monkeys out there that decided to _spice up_ the violence of this urban jungle," the cameraman said, still smirking.  
"Okay, look here for a second, Jungle Jolly." Placing a hand on the turtle's shoulder, Tom spoke again. "We'll look into that when we get back. For now, we have to get in the van and head out."

\---

A few minutes later and the station's van pulled around a street corner, arriving to where the riot epicenter was situated. Sinners and hellborn demons alike were bashing in storefront windows, tossing VoxVision TVs to the ground while others tagged slogans onto walls, with one being most common: _"Where's Johnny?"_  
Disembarking from the vehicle, Tom was followed closely by Jungle Jolly. The anchor patted down his suit while making sure the microphone was picking up his voice, as the cameraman made sure to get the riots in frame - taking moments to focus on the madness that unfolded.  
"You rolling?" Tom asked, to which the turtle nodded. "Okay, one, two, aaaand..."

**This is a 666 News Action Report, with Tom Trench.**

"I'm here on the corner of Hearst and McMahon, as riots unfold over the rumored return of the man they call _Silverhand_ , who you might remember incited the people to revolt against overlords such as Vox a few months ago! Currently, these are still unfounded, but-"  
The anchor was cut off as an imp ran behind him, screaming as flames covered most of his body. Tom, by instinct, dropped to the floor and covered his head while Jungle Jolly followed the burning demon. A few moments later, the imp collapsed next to a bench, still alight - while the camera craned up to see the bench's occupant.

Sat on said bench was a literal silver fox, muscular and decked out in what seemed to be thick leather armor and patriotic shoulderpads, with grenades of all kinds sitting on a bandolier strapped across his chest - speaking of his chest, a yellow smiley button sat near the area of his heart. A domino mask was around his eyes, a thick moustache sat under his nose and a faint scar ran up his left cheek while a cigar sat between his many teeth.  
He _was_ reading a newspaper, but feeling the flames next to him, he casually leaned to the side, putting the front of his cigar before the fire to relight it.  
"Goddamnit, this never gets old," he chuckled, reaching to his side - retrieving an Ithaca 37 shotgun and an M79 grenade launcher - the latter getting slung on his back - before standing to his full 6'1" height and calmly marching his way towards the rioters.

A nearby radio's music could be faintly heard over the shouting and shattering of glass, and Jolly's camera picked up the audio...

>   
>  _I'm your boogie man, that's what I am_   
>  _I'm here to do, whatever I can_   
>  _Be it early mornin', late afternoon_   
>  _Or at midnight, it's never too soon_   
> 

The fox stopped in front of a few especially rowdy looking protesters, one of them having the bright idea to yell at him - and nigh instantly catching a solid right hook to the jaw. The nearest demon, not having the time to properly register what the fuck just happened, was met with a left hook. After that, the fox kicked a jean-wearing sinner in the gut, before seeing that another rioter was approaching and about to swing down with a slogan-bearing sign - which was parried by the cigar-chomper's shotgun, before he used that same weapon's butt to bash the fool's face in.

As this stranger kicked a stumbling demon in the face, Tom Trench got back to his feet in front of Jungle Jolly, eyes wide. "Keep rolling, keep rolling," he muttered as he began to approach.  
The crowd was starting to disperse more and more, but some still stayed - a big mistake, as the armored fox raised his Ithaca 37 and began firing at the demons before him in time to the disco beat of the KC & the Sunshine Band hit playing on the abandoned stereo.

>   
>  _I'm your boogie man, I'm your boogie man_   
>  _Turn me on!_   
>  _I'm your boogie man, I'm your boogie man_   
>  _I do what you want!_   
> 

Cackling to himself while racking the shotgun's pump, the fox reached behind himself to grab his grenade launcher as Tom rushed up.  
"Sir, sir! A few comments, please?" The anchor asked, doing his best to stay professional in front of this hellraiser.  
Smirking at Tom, the fox took aim with his M79 and shot a smoke round towards a few of the remaining rioters. Stifling a giggle at the sight of one of them slipping on a puddle of blood, the silver fox looked towards the newscaster.  
"You an American, son?" Tom nodded in response, before the fox continued. "Alright, that'll make it easier then. See, these guys? They're exercising their First Amendment rights... so _I_ choose to exercise my _Second_ Amendment rights!" Reloading his launcher, he then hit a cowering protester dead-on with the smoke round. "Look at that shit! _Bullseye!_ "

As Jungle Jolly grinned behind the camera, Tom blinked a few times. "Could we have your name, sir? And... why you've done this?"  
"Sure! I'm Rictus. As for your other question, well... you're looking at the American Dream. It came true, pal!"

\---

The report was instantly the talk of the Pentagram, with plenty on the Internet either singing the praises of this _Rictus_ fellow, or cursing that _they_ weren't the ones doing it instead of him.  
As for Tom, his work got him a rare bit of praise from his boss, Vox. Was it earnest, or was it just so Katie could be pissed off at her co-host for somehow _outdoing her?_ The world may never know.

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of notes pertaining to the turtle demon:  
> -Jungle Jolly is actually Alan Yates, the scumbag head of the filmmakers that headed to the Amazon in Cannibal Holocaust. I'm not kidding when I say he's a scumbag, even his actor hates him!  
> -If you're aware of the circumstances surrounding that movie, you'll know the significance of my choice to make Alan a turtle demon. And the huts on his shell are a reference to something he does in the movie as well.  
> -His demon name is taken from a really scummy line he says at one point.
> 
> Notes unrelated to Jungle Jolly:  
> -In my defence, I had this idea for a while - just happens to have been written in the aftermath of the Capitol situation.  
> -The discussion that Tom overhears on his way out of the station is a reference to the legendary 'Juggernaut, Bitch' videos from many years ago - specifically, the second instalment.  
> -Rictus, AKA The Comedian, is heavily based on his film incarnation - because Jeffrey Dean Morgan is so fucking good in the role. And yeah, there's probably a tiny bit of Negan that bled through into how I wrote Edward Blake here as a result.
> 
> Next yarn is going to be far lighter, and should be up tomorrow.  
> Stay tuned!


End file.
